Marital Conferences (like school, but not)
What are you concerned about?
What do you wish? (would happen, would be the result)
What are you willing to do?
-done on an as needed basis.
-done before major blow-ups.
-done as frequently as daily to begin, then tapering off
as the conflict(s) are resolved.
Realize that in conflict, the other person isn’t always
ready to say “sorry” when you are.
Admit that what you are doing isn’t working. This probably means that you can’t fix it on
your own. Just because my car won’t run
and I can’t fix it doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed and isn’t worth fixing. It takes courage to admit you can’t fix it
and seek help.
Keep in mind that you can only work on your side of the
equation. Take ownership of that.
Be honest. Admit what
you have contributed to the conflict.
Be in control of your response. When you lose control in anger, you give
power to the other person.
Is your response appropriate? There are A-level conflicts – Example: the other person had an affair, physical abuse. There are B-level conflicts – Ex: the other person was intentionally hurtful
verbally, spent $1000 clothes/tool shopping without consulting the other. There are C-level conflicts – Ex: forgot to take out the garbage, ate the last
4 cookies, left the toilet seat up.
-Don’t make a “C” a “B” or “B” an “A” in conflict (or the
opposite direction to justify yourself).
-A-C is just an example, you might find A-D
categorization better fits, but agree upon what goes where.
-Where things go might be different for different
people. That’s OK. But if there is disagreement, the higher
level should be accepted out of caution and courtesy.
-Not everything is an A or a B.
-Persistent violation at one level can move it into the
next level.
-You don’t have to spell out every single scenario. A rough working framework is all that is
needed so there can be healthy conversation.
Is the timing of your response appropriate? In the heat of the moment is often not the
right time to correct or respond to the other.
Even if it makes you feel better.
Especially if it makes you feel better.
This requires regular times where you both agree to talk things through. After supper.
Before bed. Every 2nd
Tuesday after the first full moon. It is
important to know the other person well enough to know when to let it rest
until the next meeting. Some things can
be dealt with in the moment, they are generally those “C” level items.
The most important thing to do in blended families is to
put your mate 1st. That is
the case in any marriage, but ESPECIALLY in blended families. This presupposes Jesus as the ultimate #1.
-Allows
for security in the relationship.
-You
have to be on the same page on vision, values and discipline.
-You
may need to sit down and establish these things.
(much of this
wisdom in one form or another I have learned from Chip Ingram)
1 comment:
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